As the oldest child of seven, with parents who also both come from big families, it never crossed my mind that this may be a trial I would face in this life.
Growing up, I was so excited to one day become a wife & mother.
I do have the amazing privilege of being wife to the most wonderfully kind man I've ever known. "Mother", on the other hand, is a title that I had grown to believe I'd never hold.
When I was first looking at the reality of my situation, small things would come to my mind.
Like how the song "Mary let me hold her baby", from the Forgotten Carols, always seemed to resonate with me. Though the true message of the song didn't stick; not like the pain of not being able to bear children of my own.
Not to say that there are never any rough days, but this has become much less painful as the years have passed.
I do still ask myself "Why?" on occasion, & sometimes it is hard not to feel like it must be a punishment for something I've screwed up on along my way.
I've always felt called to Motherhood, & the thought that I would be unable to answer that call has not been an easy thing to reconcile.
One thing that has changed my perspective a few degrees is my younger sister getting married & now facing the same hardship with her husband.
I know, without having to think about it, that I would face this over & over again to give her someone that can empathize in her own pain & confusion.
However, the moment that brings me here today, is one of those deep, shower-thought moments.
A few lines from "Mary let me hold her baby" popped into my head randomly, playing over & over as I washed.
Two in particular. "Those like me who can't have children still can be mothers. Something in His eyes convinced me I could help so many others."
A parent's purpose, in this life, is to guide children. To raise them in the ways of righteousness. To help teach them right from wrong. To love them unconditionally.
This ability is not solely available to those who are fortunate enough to participate in the sacred work of bringing life into this world.
My ability to guide, nurture, & love is not capped at the knees just because my body is facing its own battles.
Motherhood is a call to all women. Those with no children, those with a few, & those with children around every corner.
A call to love, in a world being overwhelmed with hate. To treat others as Christ would.
And be it through birth, adoption, or being a member of someone's "village", the role of Motherhood is equally sacred. Equally important. Equally needed, in desperate measure.
I pray that someday my husband & I will hear the sound of children echoing through the rooms of our home, but whatever God's plan may be for my family, I will stand proud as a Mother in Zion.